


On Your Left

by yamsfreckles



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Ambiguous Mental Illness, Light Angst, Supportive Boyfriend Hinata, Therapy, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-07
Updated: 2016-06-07
Packaged: 2018-07-12 19:46:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7119955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yamsfreckles/pseuds/yamsfreckles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Yamaguchi was terrified that there was something horribly wrong with him. No, that was wrong. He wasn’t afraid that there was something wrong with him; he knew there was. He was, however, afraid he would lose Hinata because of it."</p><p>-Or-</p><p>Yamaguchi seeks professional advice and Hinata is a supportive boyfriend</p>
            </blockquote>





	On Your Left

**Author's Note:**

> This is incredibly self indulgent and I'm sorry. I needed to write something while I worked through my writer's block on my OiYama/TsukkiYama fic and writing about my fave characters having my own personal experiences can be very therapeutic. Also I have never written anything for YamaHina before and I had to remedy that, even if this isn't really that fluffy. Definitely want to write more for this pairing eventually~ 
> 
> This is unbeta'd and I'm sorry for any mistakes

The stairs leading down to his apartment building: 7 steps, left foot. The stairs leading up to the campus café: 4 steps, right foot. The long staircase he had to climb to his biology class when the elevator was out of order: 25 steps, left foot. Yamaguchi had the number of stairs he climbed every day memorized; knew exactly how many steps each contained so he knew which foot to start on in order to end on his left. And he had Hinata for all the stairs he had yet to categorize. 

Yamaguchi had waited for Hinata to get weirded out by his little ‘tick’; waited for the shorter male to call him out on his strange behavior and find a boyfriend who wasn’t so…whatever Yamaguchi was. But as the years went by Yamaguchi found himself relaxing. Hinata didn’t seem to be going anywhere.

It seemed like he was always there, running ahead and counting steps to shout back to Yamaguchi, before running back and intertwining their hands together as they walked – always Yamaguchi’s left hand – and Yamaguchi knew how lucky he was to have Hinata.

*****  
“12!” Hinata called excitedly from the top of the stairs before scampering back to Yamaguchi’s side like an energetic puppy, more than making up for his boyfriend’s lack of enthusiasm. Yamaguchi knew it was for his benefit, but that didn’t stop him from being nervous as he lifted his right foot and began walking up the unfamiliar stairs.

The office was large and imposing and Yamaguchi found himself very much wanting to turn around and never come back, but this had been his idea in the first place. 

They entered the main lobby and Hinata had to all but drag the taller boy to reception so he could sign in. The receptionist was bland, but she smiled a lot as she pulled up Yamaguchi’s information on the computer, asking the bare minimum of questions in order to properly register Yamaguchi as a new patient. Yamaguchi found himself thinking that she was well suited for her job. Not too nosy, and extremely kind. Surely that was something very much valued when you worked with mentally ill people all day. 

Yamaguchi swallowed thickly as his thoughts reminded again of why he was here, at a psychiatrist’s, in the first place. He clenched his right hand nervously, then mimicked the action with his left. 

“Okay you’re all checked in!” the receptionist said happily, handing Yamaguchi’s insurance card back to him. “Go ahead and take a seat and Doctor Kyouya will be with you shortly.”

The two boys thanked her and sat together on an overstuffed couch. There were other people in the room, but not too many. Hinata ran his hand soothingly over Yamaguchi’s left thigh and the latter found himself relaxing minutely. Hinata always had the effect on him. It was what had drawn Yamaguchi to him in the first place.

They sat together in silence, leaving Yamaguchi to his thoughts. He was so worried. When he had made the appointment over two weeks ago he had been excited about finally getting to the bottom of things, but now that it was here he was terrified. He was afraid the doctor would tell him there was something horribly wrong with him. He glanced at Hinata out of the corner of his eye. The shorter boy was still running soothing circles into Yamaguchi’s thigh with one hand and flipping through an outdated magazine in the other, smiling softly. Yamaguchi felt his throat clench at the sight of his boyfriend. No, that was wrong. He wasn’t afraid that there was something wrong with him; he knew there was. He was, however, afraid he would lose Hinata because of it. He felt tears prick at his eyes, but refused to let them fall.

“Yamaguchi Tadashi?” a voice called, startling Yamaguchi. He looked up and met the receptionist’s eyes. 

“Y-Yes,” Yamaguchi stuttered, trying to will himself to relax.

“Doctor Kyouya is all ready for you,” she said, smiling sweetly. “If you’ll just follow me.”

Hinata stood first and reached his hand out to Yamaguchi with an encouraging smile. 

Yamaguchi shakily got to his feet and clung to Hinata’s hand as they followed the receptionist through a door and down a long hallway. Yamaguchi could feel his heartbeat in his throat and he swallowed thickly, hand tightening unconsciously on Hinata’s who squeezed back gently. 

The receptionist led them to a small room and reassured them that the doctor was just finishing up with another patient and would be with them shortly before leaving.

Yamaguchi looked around the room curiously. He had been expecting a long chaise like he had seen in movies where he would be expected to lie down and talk about his past while the psychiatrist nodded and said “I see” a lot, all the while answering his questions with questions.

There was no chaise though, only a padded chair and a loveseat, separated by a plain brown coffee table. 

Hinata lead him over to the couch and they sat down, knees touching. They made small talk about their classes for that semester and their upcoming projects – Hinata getting overly excited about the final for his photography course – and Yamaguchi was grateful for the distraction. He had almost calmed down completely when the door opened and a man entered the room. Yamaguchi studied him nervously. He looked to be in his thirties and wore loose-fitting khakis and a pullover. Honestly he didn’t look like a psychiatrist which helped Yamaguchi relax. He smiled at both of the boys before sitting down opposite them in the chair, looking over a clipboard in his hands.

“Which one of you is Yamaguchi?” he asked, looking up.

Yamaguchi raised his hand slightly. “I am.”

The man held out his right hand. “I’m Doctor Kyouya. It is a pleasure to meet you Yamaguchi.”

Yamaguchi took the offered hand and shook, feeling a familiar uncomfortable prick in his left hand. He felt the need to shake hands with his left hand now. He knew it wasn’t a physical feeling. It was completely psychological and he forced himself to ignore it.

“So Yamaguchi,” Doctor Kyouya began, glancing back at the clipboard in his hands, “why are you here?”

It was a rather blunt question and Yamaguchi started slightly, at a loss for words.

Doctor Kyouya smiled again slightly. “I’m sorry. That came out wrong.” He flipped a page over on his clipboard, eyes skimming the paperwork. “On the new patient paperwork you were given when you made your appointment you indicated that you didn’t feel any excessive feelings of anxiety or depression. Your sleep patterns are normal as well and none of the answers you provided in any way indicate that you would be in need of psychiatric analysis.” 

Yamaguchi felt stupid all of a sudden. Maybe there was nothing wrong with him after all. No. The fading prick in his left hand pulled him back to reality. That wasn’t normal.

“Yamaguchi, I hope you don’t feel like I’m patronizing you,” Doctor Kyouya continued. “Obviously something has you feeling like you need to be here, otherwise you wouldn’t be here. However, what passes for the ‘norm’ in this profession doesn’t seem to apply to you and I want to understand why.”

Hinata squeezed Yamaguchi’s hand reassuringly and the latter swallowed the lump in his throat. “I have to end everything on my left,” he said quickly.

Doctor Kyouya’s brows furrowed. “You have to end everything on your left? What do you mean by that?”

Yamaguchi paused to gather his thoughts. It had been a long time since he had tried to put what he felt into words – not since he had told Hinata about it back in high school. 

“Whenever I do something with my right side, I have to repeat the action on my left side,” he said at last, hoping that made sense.

“Can you give me some specific examples Yamaguchi?” Doctor Kyouya asked.

So Yamaguchi told him. He told him about the weird feeling he got in his left hand after he used his right hand; about feeling the need to clench his left hand if he clenched his right. He told him about the fact that he counted the number of steps in a staircase so he would always end on his left foot. He told him about how he didn’t like people touching his right side unless they touched the left immediately afterwards. As he explained things he felt worse and worse. Saying everything out loud made him realize just how abnormal he was.

When he finished Doctor Kyouya thought for a moment, before writing something down on his clipboard. “Tell me, Yamaguchi,” he said. “What if the touch or action begins on the left? Do you feel the need to repeat the action or touch on the right ever?”

Yamaguchi shook his head.

“Hmmm. Can you describe the feeling that you get for me please?” 

Yamaguchi shifted slightly. “It’s hard to explain. It’s like…it feels like my skin is tingling slightly, but I know it’s not really a physical thing. It kind of feels like it’s beneath the surface I guess?”

“And what happens if you don’t act on the feeling?”

“It kind of fades out slowly,” Yamaguchi said, squeezing Hinata’s hand subconsciously.

Doctor Kyouya made another note on the paper. “How do you feel when you ignore the urge?” he asked. “Do you get anxious at all, or do you experience any negative effects?” 

“Not really…It’s more like I just feel slightly uncomfortable until the urge passes,” Yamaguchi answered.

Doctor Kyouya thought for a moment before he stood and walked to the wall where there were some information pamphlets hanging. He grabbed a few before sitting back down in the chair. He smiled as he met Yamaguchi’s eyes. “It could be any number of things, but since it doesn’t appear to affect your daily functions or mental state, we don’t need to place a name to it right this second.” He handed the pamphlets he was holding to Yamaguchi. “I want you to look over these and pay close attention to yourself over the next few weeks. See if you exhibit any other possible symptoms. I’ve never encountered this particular idiosyncrasy before, but different people exhibit different behaviors.”

“Idiosyncrasy?” Hinata asked, speaking for the first time since Doctor Kyouya had entered the room. 

“It’s basically a personal peculiarity. Oftentimes a way of thinking or behaving that is unique to you. Everyone has an idiosyncrasy of some sort, though more extreme ones – like in this case – can be a symptom of any number of mental illnesses.”

Yamaguchi thought he followed what the doctor had said and he looked down at the three pamphlets, tensing up when he saw them. Each one was terrifying in its own way and he didn’t know where to start. “OCD?” he asked, nervously. 

“It’s a possibility. The way you describe the urge you get sounds like a compulsion, which is definitely in line with OCD, though the fact that your idiosyncrasy appears to have no link to anxiety might rule it out.”

Yamaguchi nodded slowly before moving on to the next pamphlet. “What about ADD?”

“Again, possible, though probably the least likely of the three as you didn’t indicate any concentration issues, but every case is different.”

Yamaguchi swallowed loudly before moving on to the last pamphlet, which was also the most terrifying. “Autism?”

Doctor Kyouya smiled softly, as if he could sense Yamaguchi’s fear. “It gets a worse rep than it deserves honestly. If you do have it, you are extremely high functioning. Intense idiosyncrasies are a common symptom of autism. It is usually apparent in early childhood, but the higher functioning a person is, the easier it is for it to get overlooked, and sometimes people don’t get properly diagnosed until adulthood.”

Yamaguchi stared at the damning pamphlets in his hand. He couldn’t have any of these illnesses, could he?

“Like I said,” Doctor Kyouya continued, “there is no need to put a label to it right now. A couple of weeks of observation will just help me narrow things down. And in any case you might not even have any of these conditions. It is quite possible that your idiosyncrasy doesn’t stem from any particular mental illness. We are simply looking into possibilities at this stage.”

After making a follow up appointment, Yamaguchi was free to go. As Hinata drove them back to their apartment Yamaguchi couldn’t help but feel like that visit had left him with more questions than it had answered. He thumbed the edges of the pamphlets and felt like crying.

*****  
“It’s gonna be okay,” Hinata said softly, hand gliding up Yamaguchi’s side – the left side of course – as they lay in bed that night.

They hadn’t talked about Doctor Kyouya’s words since coming home and Yamaguchi knew that Hinata had been trying to give him space to process, but it looked like his reprieve was over.

He shifted slightly. “But what if it isn’t?” he asked, burying his head in Hinata’s neck. “What if I do actually have a mental illness?” he asked, voice shaking.

Hinata turned his head to kiss Yamaguchi’s left temple lightly. “Then we’ll deal with it,” he said confidently. “It won’t change who you are. You have to know that.”

Logically Yamaguchi knew that. He knew that if he did have a mental disorder, then he would have had it his whole life and it wouldn’t change how he behaved or how he felt. It was just hard to think objectively when words like ‘disorder’ and ‘illness’ were applied to himself.

He squeezed his arms around Hinata’s small torso tightly. “If I do have OCD or…autism…would you leave me?” he asked softly, knowing how ridiculous he sounded, but unable to stop himself from asking.

“Never,” Hinata said fiercely. “I love you, Tadashi. And no matter what happens that won’t change.”

Tears pricked at Yamaguchi’s eyes and he couldn’t stop them from spilling over, crying silently into Hinata’s neck. “I love you too, Shouyou,” he said, voice breaking slightly.

Yamaguchi was still afraid. He didn’t want anything to be wrong with him; but as long as he had Hinata by his side he felt like he could face anything.

**Author's Note:**

> Come yell at me on tumblr about how much you love Yams and we will be instant friends~ yamsfreckles.tumblr.com


End file.
